i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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