My sheets look like a crime scene.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Drunk is not a location!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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