Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
