I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
