A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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