I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
