Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
