Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
