in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
