I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
