Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
