I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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