I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
