when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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