matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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