Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
