I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
