Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
