Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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