this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
