I hate all girls vehemently.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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