They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
