so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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