Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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