If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
