i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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