I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
