What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
