So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I want a musical about memes.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
