I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
