I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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