I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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