I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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