I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
