the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
