I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
