someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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