I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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