Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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