Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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