Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
