I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
