tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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