my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
