I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
