I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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