My boss' voice literally gives me gas
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
