Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize
