My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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