well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
