just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
