as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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