so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
