So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
