my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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