Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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