i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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