I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
