my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
