he puts the penis in happiness.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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