Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Non-Jews are for practice
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
