Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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