i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
