do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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